


lavender and chamomile

by Dadzawa, sanguine_puddles



Category: Kingdom Hearts
Genre: Anger, Angst, Anxiety, Chronic Pain, Comfort, Flirting, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Friendship, Implied/Referenced Abuse, Insecurity, Internal Conflict, M/M, Mostly Fluff, Pain, Past Abuse, Pre-Relationship, Self-Worth Issues, Stimming, The Unversed (Kingdom Hearts), i swear the tags make it sound way worse than it is, i'm just milking it for all it's worth, it gets really soft, that heavy stuff is all at the beginning
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-02
Updated: 2019-08-02
Packaged: 2020-07-29 04:03:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,205
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20075830
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Dadzawa/pseuds/Dadzawa, https://archiveofourown.org/users/sanguine_puddles/pseuds/sanguine_puddles
Summary: Vanitas sits on the shore of the play island, knees to his chest with arms crossed on top. His suit of darkness is gone, replaced with a deep red hoodie, raggy grey jeans, and some black combat boots (from Sora's closet, courtesy of Amaya, his mother, shortly after he arrived on the islands--and wasn't that weird).He's thinking about how odd and soft the cloth is against his skin and how he wishes Sora were actually here when footsteps shift the sand behind him. He glances over just is time to see Ventus settle cross-legged on his right.





	lavender and chamomile

**Author's Note:**

> shoutout to the lovely [Dadzawa](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Dadzawa) for betaing and having such an amazing reaction, it made my heart swell, check them out
> 
> i was gonna go as close to canon as possible, but it just snowballed into this because vanitas owns a chunk of my heart. it has become my baby, i love it, please be nice, i projected a lot
> 
> ( ´ ▽ ` )b enjoy!
> 
> update: i made a playlist for [vanitas](https://open.spotify.com/user/wildwolfanddragon/playlist/4Q4LaEw70jiA8gBGjcJTh4?si=HRgoajGvTo6jQxHHWCYA5w) 🖤

Vanitas sits on the shore of the play island, knees to his chest with arms crossed on top. His suit of darkness is gone, replaced with a deep red hoodie, raggy grey jeans, and some black combat boots (from Sora's closet, courtesy of Amaya, his mother, shortly after he arrived on the islands--_and wasn't that weird_).

He's thinking about how odd and soft the cloth is against his skin and how he wishes Sora were actually here when footsteps shift the sand behind him. He glances over just is time to see Ventus settle cross-legged on his right.

Ventus breathes in the salty sea air and watches as the waves lap at the shore. They both watch as the sun touches the horizon, pinks and reds and oranges and purples streaking the daytime blue.

Vanitas basks in the silence, roaming his thoughts and ignoring his sore limbs, when Ventus decides that he wants to ask a random question and demolish the calm atmosphere.

"What do you value most?"

Vanitas snorts. "You assume I'm allowed values."

Ventus bristles, says tersely, "_You are_. You're _free_; he has no control over you now."

"No control?" Anger laces his voice, he hooks onto it. "_No control_?"

Ventus winces. _Whoops_.

"He _created_ me. He _formed_ me. He dictated every aspect of my existence! I can't forget that, no matter how hard I try and you can't say he has 'no control' over me anymore! He's in my head, my memories and I have to deal with that, deal with his voice haunting me everyday and the pain I shouldn't have to _feel_. That doesn't go away." He's getting hysterical and he can see Ventus' thinned lips and glassy eyes, but he can't get himself to care because he's on a roll now.

"I was _living_ without a _life_. _Hah_! _Can I even be considered living_? I'm darkness--_your darkness_\--given sentience. I was made to fulfill a purpose and when that fell out, I just wanted to be _whole_. But you were too stubborn, preaching that we're two different people and we_ are_, I can see that now, but I'm still broken and lost and _I shouldn't exist_. _I hate it_. I _hate_ not knowing who I am!" He's huffing, closes his eyes so he doesn't have to look at Ventus and see streams on his cheeks. A Red Hot Chili and Flood puff into existence and he quickly wills them to dissipate. He feels the pain of them dying, but he needed to get those feelings out before he burst.

Ventus sniffles. "Sorry."

Vanitas grunts, blinks open his eyes. He's frowning so he forces himself to relax, get back to the point, _Calm down_. "How could you say that? 'No control,'" he mocks. "You were treated horribly by him too."

He's treated to silence before Ventus speaks softly, but strained. "I don't remember most of it. Those memories are gone. I get nightmares, but they fade when I wake up. I've pretty much moved on, with help from Terra and Aqua. You’re healing, so I guess I thought you would have too."

Vanitas gives a self-deprecating laugh, digs his nails into his arms. "I don't know how to move on, don't you get that? I didn't have the time you had. I've never _had_ to experience anything other than anger and loneliness and numbness. I mean, I get these small, _good_ moments now, but I don’t know how to feel them more and what's the worth in that?"

Ventus scrubs his cheeks with his hand and sits up, affronted. "I don't believe you can't be happy in the long run. You _can_ feel other emotions. That’s enough to start.

“My heart was pure light when we were split and now I have some darkness." He places a hand over his heart. "I'd like to think that means you can gain some light. Light embodies happiness and kindness and freedom and so much more. You just have to look for it. You can't have one without the other, it disrupts the balance or something. And we're not really a pair anymore, so I can't be your light. You need to find one. You need to become your own person."

Vanitas hugs his knees closer, dips his head into his arms. His voice is muffled when he speaks. "Why should I? What makes you think I want to stick around?"

Ventus rests his hands on his ankle and glares. "Well, you're here now aren't you? I thought you'd have popped off by now if that were the plan."

Vanitas gives his reasoning. "I want to know Sora." _He’s the one who convinced me to ‘come to the light,’ after all_.

Ventus presses his lips together, furrows his brows. His heart aches a bit. "He's… gone."

Vanitas straightens up, suddenly determined. "I can find him."

"_No_," he says firmly, "I won't let you. He's not somewhere you can follow. Besides that's Riku's job." The last part is muttered under his breath.

Vanitas hums, shoves down the need to be indignant. "Bet I could if I tried, but good point," he whispers. He slumps, defeated.

Ventus smiles softly, thinks, _He's an actual child_, asks, "Is there anything other than that you want to do?"

Vanitas hesitates, anxious. "I'm not--I don't… I don't know. I've never done… _anything_ really."

"You wanna go to Twilight Town?" Ventus asks brightly, obviously distracting from earlier. "I want you to try the sea salt ice cream. I've only had it once, but it was great." _It should cheer you up_, goes unsaid.

Vanitas wrinkles his nose, thinks about the few times he had cautioned asking what eating was like (he didn't really need to eat, but since listening to Sora he's finding himself famished; it has something to do with his heart healing or whatever). "I've never eaten anything other than porridge before. I'm not sure."

"It tastes good, I promise. Please?" he whines.

Vanitas groans, but gives in with a, "Fine."

Ventus smiles and grabs his Gummiphone to (most likely) text Roxas for a pick up.

Vanitas watches the darkening sky fill with more and more stars as time passes. _All those worlds, shining bright_, he thinks. _I wonder where he is_.

Roxas' (and Xion's and Lea's) Gummi Ship lands a good distance away, far enough that the cloud of sand it kicks up is happily avoided. Lea stumbles out of the opening hatch and waves with a loud, drawn out, "_Hey_!"

Ventus jumps up and drags Vanitas to his feet. They walk over and board the ship, greeted by Roxas complaining about how dark it is and, "_Isn't it late_?" (Time zones.)

Xion just responds with, "Who cares?"

The trip to Twilight Town is full of raucous conversation and singing along to rock and metal music while Vanitas idles awkwardly.

When they land, Roxas grabs Ventus by the wrist and pulls him out the door. Lea sticks by Xion, but leaves with a whistle after she whispers something in his ear. Then it's just Vanitas hanging back, wondering why Xion is still here.

And he gets his answer.

Xion's voice is quiet when she finally speaks. "I'm glad you came. There are some people you should meet. Properly."

Vanitas wrinkles his nose at the thought of more people.

Xion smiles. "It won't be that bad. Naminé is a sweetheart, you've seen her around before and… I think you'd get on well with Repliku."

"Repliku?"

"Yeah," she laughs and waves her hand a bit, "uh, basically _another_ Riku--not the one we knew from the Real Organization, but the one from Castle Oblivion. It's all pretty complicated. He doesn't really have his own… name yet."

Vanitas hums, curious and trying not to let it show.

Xion starts to walk off, says, "Come with me," and is out the door with quick steps.

Vanitas follows, admires the architecture as they head to (what he can only assume is) the clock tower. They climb a multitude of stairs and for a moment he thinks he's stuck in Castle Oblivion (he visited, when looking for Ventus during his decade of sleep), but they reach the top and exit onto a ledge overlooking all of Twilight Town and the neverending sunset.

It's almost as beautiful as the sunset on the islands.

Vanitas is broken out of his calm when Ventus trots up holding two ice creams. He takes the one that Ventus holds out and stares at it, not really sure what to do. He frowns when Ventus giggles.

"You lick it. Or bite it like a heathen." Ventus laps at his own while Vanitas fumbles a bit.

Vanitas takes a tentative lick of his own popsicle and is surprised at how _delicious_ and _weird_ it is compared to the blandness of the porridge he ate. It's cold and sweet and then salty and he likes it, odd as it is. Just to try it (and a little to spite Ven), he bites a sizable chunk out of the corner and instantly regrets it.

It's a harsh shock to his teeth and he winces at the unexpected pain it causes. Ventus sputters and openly laughs at his misfortune.

"It's cold." It's unnecessary, but Vanitas says it anyways.

Ventus speaks through his stifled laughs. "Well, yeah, it's _ice cream_. That's the point. Don't bite it, your teeth can't handle it."

Vanitas grumbles and goes back to wearing down his ice cream. Ventus sticks by his side and he notices that there are more people here than he realized. He recognizes them from when they all gathered on the play island shortly after Sora left on his quest to save Kairi (and she came back, but _where was Sora_?).

Lea and Isa sit meshed together at the far edge with Roxas, Xion, and Naminé next. Then there's Hayner, Pence, and Olette (he only knows their names from Roxas' rambles). _They belong here_, Vanitas thinks, a bit bitter.

He catches a glimpse of silver in his peripheral vision and turns to see a young Riku leaning against the wall with arms crossed, sporting a yellow dragon-embroidered bomber, black and white striped shirt, dark ripped jeans, and white high tops. _So that's the Replica. He's kind of hot._

Vanitas freezes, feels his cheeks warm and confusion muddle his thoughts as he stares. He doesn't notice when his ice cream drips over his fingers or when Ventus asks if he's alright.

His daze breaks when the Replica--_Repliku_ is what they call him--makes eye contact.

Vanitas startles and shifts his gaze to the ground, hides his face under his dark hair. He holds his melting ice cream awkwardly, too anxious to bring it to his mouth and too anxious to ask where to throw it away. He shuffles his feet, unsure.

Ventus bends into sight, popsicle stick hanging from his lips, and asks, "Are you alright?"

Vanitas nods and decides, _Fuck it_. He quickly eats what’s left on the popsicle stick and licks the ice cream from his fingers, desperately trying to ignore everything around him.

He's just gonna wait this out, see what happens.

_Regrets_, he thinks when Xion comes up to him and offers to introduce him. He doesn't really get a choice in the matter, seeing as Xion ignores his frown and calls Repliku over.

She's saying something about him to Repliku (probably an explanation as to why he twins Sora), but he doesn't hear any of it because he's too caught up in staring at shoes and internally screaming about how he wishes he never agreed to coming here.

Vanitas focuses just in time to hear Repliku speaking--and he sounds just like the dark Riku from the Real Organization, but _sweeter_\-- "It's nice to meet you."

Vanitas picks at the popsicle stick with both hands and looks at Repliku's cheek (he can never make eye contact with anyone other than Ventus and Sora and even that was difficult). "You too." And suddenly he's self-conscious about his raspy voice and his yellow eyes. _Meeting new people sucks._

Repliku's lips twitch with a smile and he shoves his hands into his jacket pockets. "Have you been to the bistro yet?"

_Oh my God, the fucking bistro._ Vanitas chokes out a laugh, distracted from his internal monologue. "No, but I've heard a lot." _Only from everyone I've met in this rag-tag group._

Repliku tilts his head, asks, "Would you like to go? I'll pay."

Vanitas feels his eyes widen. He's honestly pretty emotionally exhausted, but this… seems like a good opportunity.

He looks to Ventus--who's standing next to Xion watching this like a Broadway production--for help. He sees Xion's eyes crinkle at the corners and she covers her mouth, whispers, "_Oh my God._" Ventus chuckles and gives an exaggerated nod.

Vanitas turns back to Repliku, a bit flushed. "Um, sure."

Repliku's smile grows into a self-satisfied smirk. He turns to the group sitting on the ledge of the clocktower. "Hey, Naminé!" She turns with a curious look. "I'll see you at the mansion later. I'm goin' out for a bit."

Naminé smiles. "Alright. See you later."

Repliku starts to walk towards the stairs with a glance towards Vanitas, obviously expecting him to follow. And he does.

Vanitas stumbles after him, shoving his hands (and the now-tattered popsicle stick) into his pocket, protected from the chilly air that threatens to hurt.

Repliku chatters as they walk side-by-side. About how kind the people are here, the cats that wander, and the new candy shop he's been meaning to try.

_He seems so comfortable_, Vanitas thinks as he listens.

They smell the bistro before they see it. It makes Vanitas' mouth instinctually water; a response coined from a memory that isn't truly _his_.

When they arrive, it's teeming with people. Dinner rush. It makes Vanitas' fidget. He kind of wants to hide.

Repliku speaks his plan as they walk through the open doors of the bistro. "We're gonna order something and eat outside. On the stairs since the tables are full. Then we can walk around for a bit."

Vanitas likes the sound of that, so he nods.

A duck that looks a lot like Donald, but older, woddles up to them. "What can I do for you today?"

"I want the Seafood Tartare and Crêpes Suzette." Repliku looks at Vanitas for a moment then returns his attention to the duck. He jerks a thumb towards Vanitas. "He'll take the Beef Bourguignon and Chocolate Mousse. Can you bag it?"

Vanitas grunts, but is secretly thankful he didn't have to order for himself. He hardly understood what Repliku even said.

They sit mostly in silence in the waiting room once the duck is gone, playing games and looking at whatever few photos they have on their Gummiphones. They swap contact information while they're at it.

Repliku puts himself as 'the replica' in Vanitas' Gummiphone and Vanitas as 'angry uwu' in his own. Vanitas has no clue what that means and is planning to ask (because he has a weird feeling about its connotations), when the duck they talked to before shuffles to them with the check and a bag of boxes containing their food.

Repliku hands over the owed amount of munny and grabs the bag from the duck's hands (wings?). The duck thanks them and they amble to the stairs nearest the wall. It's darker there.

Vanitas claims the spot against the wall. He presses himself to it. It makes him feel smaller, less seen. _I'm getting a bit tired._

Repliku sits next to him--a few inches between them--and reaches into the bag for the food. He looks at the contents of each box and hands Vanitas what he ordered for him (and some plastic utensils and napkins). "Save dessert for last," he mentions. When his hands are free from that, he grabs a plastic fork and digs into his own aesthetic-looking fish dish.

Vanitas looks at his own things and doesn't really know what to do. He tries to remember what others look like when they eat (and feels kind of like a creep while doing so). He opens the box that contains his bougie beef thing and feels near ravenous. It looks extremely inviting. He stabs at the meat and tears a piece off. He only hesitates a moment before eating it. He chews slowly, savoring the taste.

Tears twinkle in Vanitas' eyes. It's a dance of flavors and warmth in his mouth and it's almost overwhelming because he's_ never had this before_.

He blinks hard to get rid of the wetness. He is _not_ going to cry over this. Not with all of these people anyways.

Repliku scoots until their thighs are touching and leans into Vanitas. The pressure is a comfort.

"I like eating," Vanitas chokes out.

Repliku just laughs.

They finish their meals and move onto dessert. When Vanitas tastes the mousse he nearly tears up again. It's just so _smooth_ and so sweet. He can't believe himself, he's pouting. _This is so stupid_, he thinks as he shoves another spoonful into his mouth.

Vanitas finishes before Repliku and plays around with the empty boxes. He accidentally tears the one in his hands and finds it to be incredibly soothing. So he does it again. And again.

He doesn't stop until Repliku tugs on his sleeve and motions to the trash can. "I'm done. Let's go throw all this away."

Vanitas looks at his lap, sheepish. There's cardboard _everywhere_.

He starts picking up the pieces, and thankfully, Repliku holds open the bag for him to toss them in. They get up and walk away from the bistro. Repliku tosses the bag into the trash when they walk by. He walks with a pep in his step, eager.

They roam for a few minutes before coming across a dark alleyway. Something rustles, loud. They stop, stare down the alley, in sync.

_Mrow._

A small, high-pitched meow echoes in the dark.

Vanitas hears Repliku take a sharp breath. He looks over to see pure excitement in his eyes. He's smiling wide and bouncing on the balls of his feet.

Repliku's smile is contagious. Vanitas feels that excitement spread to him and grins.

They walk into the alleyway, stall to let their eyes adjust, and continue on. They hear more rustling and follow it.

Sitting in a box, maybe only five or six weeks old, with greening eyes, is a tortoiseshell kitten, shaking and meowing.

Vanitas watches in wonder as Repliku gently picks it up and cradles it in his arms. He shoves his face into it's fur and it meows again. He chokes out a laugh, whispers a muffled, "_It's so cute, I'm going to die._"

Vanitas sputters, asks in disbelief, "Are you _crying_?"

"_Yes._"

Vanitas laughs. Hard. He's _delighted_.

It's weird. It's really weird. It's _good_. It feels _euphoric_.

The kitten purrs in Repliku's arms and he lifts his head with wet eyes and cheeks. "Can I keep it?" he asks, so full of hope.

"Why are you asking me? I'm the least qualified to answer that."

"Can you say yes?"

Vanitas ponders for a moment. "Yes, you can keep it."

"_Yes. Yes._ I love it so much! Oh my _God._" Repliku's words run together and he's mumbling now, petting the kitten whiles it purrs and purrs.

Vanitas takes out his Gummiphone and sneaks a picture. _Just to remember_, he tells himself.

He catches a glimpse of the time and sighs. It's getting late. He feels his eyes droop, his exhaustion catching up to him, and puts his Gummiphone in his pocket.

Vanitas draws his attention to Repliku, who's calmed enough to stop crying, but still cradles the kitten and coos at it with the utmost care. "I love it too, but we should get going."

Repliku takes a deep breath. "Yeah." He maneuvers the kitten into his bomber and zips it a little over halfway. It meows, then keeps purring.

"So what's the plan?"

Repliku adjusts his hold on the kitten. "We can head to the mansion. I wanna get this little guy cleaned up."

Vanitas hesitates. "You want me to come with you?"

Repliku gives him a weird look. "Well--yeah. It'd be nice if you came by. Stayed for a bit… Unless you don't want to?"

Vanitas clamps down on a yawn. He plays with the popsicle stick in his pocket, distantly hoping he doesn't get splinters. "Sure, I'll bite."

"Cool." Repliku starts walking towards the sewer entrance.

Vanitas wrinkles his nose. "Is this really the only way?"

"As of now, yes."

"Gross," he mumbles.

They continue in silence (excluding the kitten's purring), walking through the surprisingly clean-ish sewer. But it's cold. And Vanitas' joints are starting to ache. And he’s tired. He hopes he doesn't get grumpy.

They climb out of the sewer and into a forest. Vanitas stumbles a bit, but catches himself before getting a face full of dirt and grass. He tries to focus on the birds and squirrels, the buzz of fluttering insects. Anything other than the sudden stiffness of his fingers and knees, the creakiness of it all.

Repliku holds the door for him and they walk in. He focuses on the interior. It looks old, broken in some places, but kept clean.

Naminé appears at the top of the stairs and greets them. "Hey. What did you get up to?"

Repliku unzips his bomber and holds up the kitten, Simba style. "I have a kitten."

Naminé stares. "...Okay?"

"Vanitas said I could keep it."

"Did he?" Naminé turns to Vanitas, a curious look on her face.

Vanitas gulps. Betrayal. He feels the need to fear this woman. He nods.

She nods back in response and looks at the kitten. "Fine by me." She leans back, clutching the railing. "Do you have a name for it?"

Repliku shakes his head and pulls the kitten to his chest, scratches behind its ears. "I want to wash it first. Then I'll name it."

Naminé hums. "You go do that."

Repliku trots off to one of the many bathrooms. Vanitas goes to follow, but Naminé stops him.

"You're welcome to stay however long you want. It's just me and Repliku here."

"...Really? I can just stay here?" he asks incredulously.

"If you'd like. We don't mind."

“I--Are you sure?”

Naminé smiles. “Of course. It’d be nice to have more company.”

"I'll…” And he lets impulse take over. “I’ll take you up on that." Vanitas pulls out his Gummiphone and calls Amaya (he’s been staying in her guest bedroom since the Land of Departure is still in ruins). Vanitas is anxious, but Amaya radiates like the sun with her tan freckled skin, fluffy long hair, and beaming smile (_she reminds me so much of Sora_). It lulls his nerves.

She gushes about how happy she is that he’s making friends and that if he plans on staying there permanently then she’ll have Kairi bring him his stuff and when she hangs up with a cheery goodbye, Vanitas is flushed and holding back a smile.

Naminé gestures for Vanitas to follow her. She shows him to a room that he can call his own and he feels a weight lift from his shoulders. A queen-sized bed sits under a large window on the far wall, framed by wooden nightstands. The dark curtains are tied back, letting natural light illuminate the room. In the left corner is a desk and chair. To the right there’s a door leading to an attached bathroom (he should learn how to work a shower properly). Plants are littered _everywhere_.

This is _his_. _His_ space. He doesn’t have to worry that he’s intruding.

Naminé leaves sometime while he’s looking around. He's dragging his hands across the soft blanket on the bed, contemplating whether lying done will relieve the pain in his back and feet or just knock him out, when Repliku waltzes in with a now-clean ball of fluff. "Her name is Stella."

Vanitas abandons his fiddling and moves to sit cross-legged at the head of his bed. He feels extra sore, lets his heavy eyes fall shut. "Cute."

He feels Repliku sit across from him and a barely-there weight settle between them. Stella meows. “Naminé said you’re staying.”

“Mmhmm.”

“How long?”

“We’ll see.”

Repliku snorts. Stella kneads at the blanket.

Vanitas doesn’t quite know why, but he lets himself be vulnerable for the nth time, mumbles, “It feels safe here. It’s only been what? Not even an hour and I already don’t want to leave.”

Stella’s kneading ceases and Vanitas opens his eyes to her face inches from his. Repliku’s soft voice comes from behind her. “Then stay.”

Vanitas reaches out to hold Stella. She purrs. _This is a place I can call home. I’ve been found. I can heal._ Vanitas huffs, _I’m being passive._ Ventus’ sentiments are rubbing off on him.

The next day, Kairi comes by with the few things that Vanitas owned.

Three days in, Riku’s finally had enough and goes after Sora.

Almost a week later, Ventus calls to check in and freezes. His mouth opens and closes, searching for words. He’s giddy when he finally speaks. “_Vanitas_. Your eyes are _red_."

**Author's Note:**

> some insight: this follows the idea that vanitas was convinced to join sora and ven during that one scene in the keyblade graveyard and it takes place after the ending. if that wasn't clear.
> 
> let me know if there are any mistakes! please, the formatting was fighting me.
> 
> **lavender**: antiseptic; eases pain, cuts, and bruises; useful for treating anxiety, insomnia, depression, and restlessness.  
**chamomile**: relief from anxiety, tension, skin inflammations and irritations


End file.
